Chapter 9
I clutched the corner of my clothes, opened my mouth, stared blankly, but unable to say a single word.[]
Dad held me, letting out quiet sobs.
“Daddy knows he was wrong. Can you forgive Daddy?“]
I stared at him blankly. This time I didn’t nod.
I remembered how I’d desperately tried to explain before that I didn’t steal anything.
If I had admitted to it, would Dad have forgiven me?]
He would only think I was shameful.[]
He wouldn’t forgive.]]
Dad didn’t force me anymore.[]
He wiped away his tears and said to me, “It’s getting late. Let’s sleep.”
Just like before, he carried me upstairs and tucked me in the blanket corners.]
But in the past when Mom saw I couldn’t sleep, she would tell me little stories.[]
Dad wouldn’t.
The next day, strong winds picked up.
Dad took me and my brothers to the amusement park.[]
My body felt like it would be blown away by the wind again.[]
The carousel I used to want to ride so badly-
I had no interest in it now.
Dad asked me, and I could only shake my head.]]
“What if Daddy holds you while we ride? Would you like that?”
I shook my head too.
Watching other children giggle and laugh.]
I tried to smile but couldn’t
I realized I was different from those other children now.[]
Before, I used to want Dad and my brothers to be like other families‘ parents.
On rainy days, they would hold their children in their arms so they wouldn’t get wet.[]
In winter, they would put ugly raincoats over the children’s jackets.
Not like my brothers, who would just leave me behind]
Now. I didn’t want anything anymore.
No toys, no snacks, no food.]]
Even Mom–I didn’t want her either.
But they then began to give me everything?||
Ithought it was strange.
Strange in a way I couldn’t understand no matter how hard I tried.
I threw up again, vomiting lots of yellow liquid.[]
Dad held my listless body and drove my brothers to a faraway place.
From far away, I could see Mom wearing sunglasses.]]
There were many people around.
But
the
moment I saw Mom, I came alive.[]
I jumped down and threw myself into Mom’s arms.
Tears fell from under her sunglasses, landing on my face.
I pounded on Mom desperately.
“You didn’t want me anymore…“]]
I screamed, and many people around us pulling suitcases stopped to look at me.]
“You didn’t want me!” /
I finally made a sound, though my voice was ugly, like an ugly duckling shrieking []
Mom cried tears of joy and picked me up
“Little crybaby, still such a crybaby.“]
“Mommy was wrong. I knew I was wrong “||
She kept cooing to me softly.
Finally, when I seemed better, she walked a few steps forward to talk to Dad.]
“Christopher, if you hadn’t forced me to stay by your side. I wouldn’t have left her behind. For Claire’s health, I hope you’ll never come looking for me again.“]
“Even if you don’t bring her, I’ll come get her.”
“Because you don’t deserve to have Claire.“]
Dad looked sad. “Vivian. You know everything?”
My three brothers cried and called for Mom.[]
But Mom walked away without looking back.||
She only took me with her.]
Throughout the journey I slept and woke, woke and slept, always clutching Mom’s clothes and refusing to let go.
Every time I opened my eyes, I checked if Mom was still there.
I fell asleep again, but Mom wasn’t there.]
I fear.[]
I cried in fear.
The next moment Mom came from behind.
I rushed to hug her.
“Is Mommy not going to want me again?”
Mom smiled softly, very beautifully. “Do you know why you’re called Claire?“]
“Claire means “bright and clear.‘ I named you hoping you’d be brilliant and pure. How could I not want you?”
“But my brothers said they’d rather I not be their sister.”
Mom’s eyes lowered.[]
“It’s all Mommy’s fault. I should have taken you with me.”
“But Daddy wouldn’t have let us go.”
“Claire, you can talk Mommy is so happy.“]
I held Mom tight, smelling her familiar scent, finally feeling safe enough to sleep again.[]
It felt like I was catching up on all the sleep I’d missed these past two years. [
This time there were no nightmares.
