Chapter 8
Jayden’s hands trembled as he opened the diery, his vision blurring the intent he saw Ariane’s familiar handwriting–those neat, carafel letters he’d seen on thousands of homework assignments ter the years.
But this was different. This was meant for him.
June 7th, 2014 – Sunny
Jaylen.
This is my first diary entry for you.
One year from today, we’ll be taking our SATs!
When it’s all over, Tes goong to give you this diary and finally tell you the truth.
I’m going to tell you that I love you
The words hit him like a sledgehammer to the chest. His throat closed up completely, and for several seconds he couldn’t breathe at all.
She’d loved him. She’d actually loved him.
And he’d been too much of a coward to see i
The memory crashed into him with devastating clarity–sophomore year, that spring afternoon when she was turering him in calculus. She’d been bent over his homework with that little crease between her eyebrows that meant she was really concentrating, and he hadn’t been able to focus on anything except the way her lips moved when she worked through problems.
Are you even listening to me?” sho’d asked, turning those huge brown eyes on him.
His heart had been slamming against his ribs so hard he was sure she could hear it. The words just fell out of his mouth: “Arianna, I’m totally gone on
She’d turned bright red and smacked him with her pencil. “Focus on the math, you moronTM
But she’d been smiling, God, she’d been glowing.
“Okay,” he’d said, unable to stop grinning. “But we’re going to the same college.”
“Deal,” shed whopered, her face going even redder.
That had been their promise. Their secret pact.
And he’d shattered it into a million pieces.
With shaking hands, Jayden turned the page, his chest getting tighter with every word.
July 3rd, 2014 – Sunny
Jayden
You bombed your chemistry test AGAIN and you’re still talking abour college like it’s a given I want to shake you sometimes! How can someone he so brilliant and so stupid at the same time?
But I love you anyway. God help me.
Despite everything. Jayden almost sanded through his bears. She’d been so pissed at him that day, lecturing him about his grades while simultaneously offering to help him study.
September 30th, 2014 – Rainy
Jayden
Massive storm today and I forgot my umbrella AGAIN (I know, I know, you tell me every morning to check the weather appl. the last class anyway.
You kept angling the umbrella and stay dry, and you got completely soaked. You thought I didn’t notice, but I did
You hrowful, stupid boy. I love you much it physically Inurrs.
Each page was like another knife to his heart. All those moments he’d treasured, but seêm through her eyes. All the love he’d been too ferrified to believe was real.
Page after page of pure sweetness. Her documenting every small kindness, every shared laugh, every time he’d made her feel like the mattered. Until April 2015. Until everything went to hell.
The handwriting got shaker after that. The entries shorter, more desperate,
April 10th, 2015 Rainy
Those men cornered me after school today. Your dad came running when he heard me stream, and they stabbed him over and over.
Jayden. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
You hate me now. I can see it in your eyes. And you should. Good people don’t die because of me. Your dad was the best man I ever knew, and be’s dead because Texist.
Why couldn’t it have been me instead?
Jayden’s vision went white around the edges. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely hold the diary.
May 15th, 2015- Overcast
Another cardiac episode today. Dr. Martinez tried to be encourating, but Iepuld see the truth in his eyes.
My heart is failing faster than they expected. I wanted to sell you, but you won’t even look at me anymore.
I don’t blame you. I hate me too.
- 2015–Sunny
May 21st,
They hooked me up to ECMO today. When they wheel that machine in, people usually don’t walk back out.
I’m dying. Jayden. And I know you’ll probably be relieved when it’s over
I just need you to know that I never wanted any of this to happen. Your dad saved my life, and I destroyed yours.
I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.
The handwriting got worse with each entry. More unsteady. More desperate. Like she was running out of time to get the words out.
June 7th, 2015- Sunny
Jayden.
I’m terrified. I don’t want to die.
I wanted to go to college with you I wanted to tell you I loved you to your face. I wanted us to get married someday and have kods who have your eyes.
1 wanted a whole life with y
you
But my heart is giving up, and I think this might be my last entry-
If there’s another life after this one. I hope I find you there. I hope by then you can forgive me for ruining everything
I’ll love you until my heart stops beating.
Forever yours, Arianna
That Cool Summer Took Lyngber
The dialy slipped from Jaylen’s momb fingers and hit the floor with a soft thod
Something inside his chest exploded–ten years of burled grief and rage and love he’d never let himself feet. The sad that tore from his coat of ar inhuman, pari, sob and part scream and part dying animal.
She’d loved him. She’d been dying, and shurd loved him, and the last thing he’d said to her was “go kill yourself”
Go kill yourself.
And she had.
When he finally stepped shaking enough to pick up the 5 card, his vision was still blurry wi
blurry with tears
an hour of trying every device in the home, he gave up and drove to repair shop downtown,
His laptop was too new to read something that old. After anch looking like he’d been hit by a semi truck.
“I need something that can read this,” he said, bis voice completely wrecked as he slid the card across the counter
The old man behind the counter squinted at it through thick glasses Christ, kid, this thing’s ancient
What’s on there that’s in important?”
girl you loved and killed?
Jayden couldn’t find words. How do you explain that it might contain the voice of the g
Twenty minutes later, he was back home with a vintage card reader, his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest as he hooked it up to his TV.
The screen flickered to life with grainy, shaky footage that made his blood turn to ice.
It was him. Ten years younger, standing outside the courthouse after his father’s trial. The camera was hidden–in her necklace, he realized with
growing horror,
She’d recorded their last conversation
Onscreen, his younger self was walking away without looking back leaving her standing there alone and dying. The camera stayed focused on his retreating figure until he disappeared around the corner.
Then the footage cut to black.
When the image flickered back to life, Jayden felt his world collapse.
He was staring at a sterile hospital room filled with machines and harsh fluorescent lighting. Medical equipment heaped frantically in the background, and he could hear voices–doctors shouting orders, muses calling out vitals, someone crying.
And there, in the center of it all, barely recognizable under the tubes and wires, was Arianna,
Her labored, desperate gasping filled his living room like the sound of a blade slicing straight through his heart.
